Hey, kids! We're going to learn some grammar. Yay!

Calm down, calm down. Don't get too excited there. Yes, I know, learning grammar is awesome. What? Do I detect sarcasm there?

OK, fine. So maybe grammar isn't the scholarly equivalent to a trip to Disney World. But if you want to be a good writer, you have to know certain rules. And who doesn't love following rules …

Anyway, just let me quickly tell you easy ways to remember some tricky grammar rules. Then you can get back to your regularly scheduled lives of pool parties, barbeques, and the like. (By the way, I don’t recall receiving an invitation to any of those parties. Must have gotten lost in the mail.)

Lie or Lay?

People lie. Well, duh. Every teenager who sneaks out of the house knows that. But it's also the case in lie vs. lay, and a great way to remember this rule. Someone lies down, but you lay your clothes out on the bed. And, by the way, I know you were out past curfew. Don't you lie to me!

If I were vs. If I was

Follow the Fiddler on the Roof  rule here. It's like that song, "If I Were a Rich Man." OK, OK, do you need a modern reference? Well, Gwen Stafani and Eve redid the song a few years ago as "Rich Girl."  (Actually, their version is a cover of Louchie Lou and Michie One's song. They did the first reggae version of "Rich Girl." But I digress.) Anyway, my point is, remember the song. So you would say "If I were."

Where you at?

Just don't. It's wrong, and it sounds dumb. Say "Where are you?" OK? Thanks.