Tomorrow is April Fool's Day. Woo Hoo! In honor of this silly day, I've written a story for you. It's not exactly an original. Have you ever heard the story of The Emperor's New Clothes? Well, this is just an updated version of that. Hope you enjoy! Happy April Fools!

The Emperor's New Digs
- Short story by Bryon Cahill

Many, many years ago there lived a dude. The dude’s name was Calvin but everyone called him the Emperor. He obtained his self-proclaimed royal nickname when he won the lottery. But it wasn’t just any lottery. Calvin won the largest prize money in the history of legalized gambling. After taxes, he took home a little over $14 billion.

"Dude," his best friend Roy said upon hearing the news. "Did you say billion? Like, with a B?"

"Totally man, billion! Fourteen of ‘em!" Calvin was in awe of himself. "Oh, and don’t call me Dude anymore. Call me… The Emperor."

"OK dude… I mean, The Emperor." Roy didn’t care if it was ridiculous. His friend was a billionaire! He’d address him as the Pope if that’s what he wanted to be called. "Well what do you want to do with the money first?"

"Roy," the Emperor said as he looked around his cramped and ugly studio apartment, "I gots ta get me some new digs."

"Right on, man. Definitely!" Roy said and high-fived The Emperor.

After a brief, idiotic display of air guitar and head-banging, The Emperor came back to his senses and dug the phone book out from under a pile of garbage on the floor. He flipped through the yellow pages and looked under H for House Builders. "Wait, house builders? No, man, look under C for contractors!" Roy stated proudly, as if it was the first three syllable word he had ever uttered.

The Emperor called up three contractors before he realized that first he needed an architect to draw up a design. He then called up three architects before he realized that he first needed to know what kind of a house he wanted. "A big one." He shouted into the phone, "A really really big one!" But the architects he was dealing with were not professionals. They needed more to go on. They needed ideas and The Emperor had none. "What are we going to do?" The Emperor asked Roy. "Who would have thought that winning the lottery would be such a bummer!"

"What you need is someone to make your decisions for you," Roy said. "That way, you could just sit back and chill and not worry about a thing."

"That would be sweet!" The Emperor said. "Roy, I appoint you as my royal decision maker." Calvin certainly wasn’t royalty, but Roy didn’t split hairs. He saw his opportunity and he seized it. His eyes were hazed over with the green green of money money.

"All right then, The Emperor, leave everything to me." Roy spoke with a sinister grin on his face but the Emperor did not notice. He was too busy not having a thought in his head.

Six months passed and The Emperor was beginning to get curious. He had already given Roy half of his winnings to build his royal palace. He was down to only $7 billion and had nothing to show for it besides an apartment full of fast food wrappers and a refrigerator full of cheese.

He got up from his bean bag chair and put some pants on. It was time for action. He didn’t care that Roy had forbid him to come down to the construction site. He had the right to see for himself what all his money was paying for!

He drove down to the site. It was a 500 acre field smack dab in the middle of the state. Upon his arrival, the first thing he noticed was that there was nothing to notice. There was a road that cut through the field but it was only made from the tire tracks of other vehicles. No dirt or rocks or gravel paved the way.

The Emperor drove for about half a mile before he came to the building site—if you could call it that. Hundreds of men were moving around and working hard. They were sweating through their tee shirts and straining their bulging muscles to lift… what were they lifting? The Emperor saw nothing.

His car came to a halt and he stepped out. Roy was sitting in a comfortable lawn chair drinking some kind of fruity umbrella beverage. He turned around with a start when he heard The Emperor’s door slam. "Oh my goodness it’s The Emperor everyone! It’s The Emperor!" Roy jumped out of his chair and bowed low to the ground. Every single one of the hundreds of workers stopped what they were doing and bowed as well.

"Roy man, what is going on here?"

"Why, we’re building you a palace, The Emperor! Doesn’t it look lovely?"

"Um." The Emperor saw nothing but was not quite ready to admit it.

"Oh, and the best part about it is that we are building with wood that only the truly pure of heart can see! You, of course, can see it, can’t you? Isn’t it just… awesome?" Roy stopped breathing momentarily. Everyone did. They waited on The Emperor’s reply.

"Well it’s… that is to say that I…" The Emperor cleared his throat and made up his mind. "I declare it to be the grandest palace there ever ever was! Totally!" The hundreds of workers threw up their hands and gave three cheers for The Emperor. When the great huzzah finally began to wind down, The Emperor whispered to his friend. "When will it be ready for me to move in, Roy?"

"Oh soon, The Emperor, very soon!" Roy grinned, "We’ll just need about another $6 billion or so to decorate the interior."

Eight long months went by. The Emperor made frequent visits to his palace and outwardly oohed and ahhed. However, in secret, he was trying his hardest to just see the thing. But at last, the big day came. The palace was complete and The Emperor called for a celebration. "We shall have a parade that will start at the center of town and march right up to my front door! I will walk in to my palace for the first time with every dude and dudette in my kingdom!" Roy thought of reminding The Emperor that he didn’t, in fact, have any such thing, but decided to keep his mouth shut.

The next day, the parade was set and everyone in town showed up. The townspeople had known that Calvin had won just a little over $14 billion and they had been patiently waiting to find out what it was that he was actually doing with his money! Not a person in town would have missed the unveiling for the world! At the town center, the parade began and Calvin The Emperor marched all the way to the field with everyone from town behind him. As they arrived at the edge of the field, he spoke to the people who had followed him long and far.

"My kingdom!" he shouted and quite a few eyebrows were raised. "We are nearing my great and all-mightily awesome palace. It has cost me $13 billion and it is the most beautiful thing on this earth. When we get there, only the purest of heart will be able to see it. For it is made of the wood of the Gods—that which the tainted souls and foolish brains cannot comprehend. Only the purest of hearts will be invited in for afternoon tea and X-Box. So let’s go! Last one there is a heinous toad!"

The Emperor ran as fast as he could. Roy and some of the townspeople ran with him, but most others just lagged behind. When everyone came to the house, mouths hung open in disbelief. Nobody knew what to say. They were looking at nothing. The Emperor spread his arms wide and his face beamed like an angel’s, "Welcome my serfs and minions! Welcome to the greatest palace there ever was! Step right this way… but remember, if you can’t see it, beat it. The last thing I want tarnishing my new digs is some wasted, impure heart."

The crowd was silent. No one spoke a word. They could have stayed like that forever in sheer confusion and madness. And perhaps they would have if it weren’t for one little boy who found the courage to speak.

"But there’s nothing there, dummy!" With that, the townspeople erupted in laughter and began to walk away.

Calvin The Emperor grabbed his friend Roy by the collar and shook him violently. "You tricked me, Roy! That is so not cool! Why would you do something like that?" He dropped Roy to the ground and looked down on him in shame and embarrassment.

"The moral of the story is," Roy said from his place in the dirt, "A fool and his money are soon parted."

"Give me back my money, Roy." The Emperor demanded.

"Here you go," Roy handed him a wad of 13 billion singles and the two friends went out for burgers.