Happy Squirrel Appreciation Day! How ludicrous. I swear, there's a day for everything. Anyway, who am I to judge? In fact, I like squirrels. What's not to like? They're both cute and creepy at the same time. It's mesmerizing. Allow me to regale you with a brief but true story. My story starts out with a porch.
My porch is not my favorite thing in the world, but it is certainly up there in my top 10. Every spring/summer/fall and yes, even parts of the winter, I love to sit on my porch and read and/or write. It's my haven, my one place in this crazy universe where I feel utterly untouchable and free. Ahhh... my porch.
My porch is on the second floor of an apartment building and looks out onto no less than four different highways and some small body of water that I am ashamed to say I don't know the name of. OK, so it's not the best view in the world, but it's still one that I own. However, blocking this view of mine is a tall tree that stands about five feet from my building. And in this tree, there lives a squirrel. Two squirrels. Three squirrels. Four. Fifty bigillion. I have no idea how many there are. But there are a lot. They are here all year long. They do not fly south for the winter. Although it might be amusing to see them try.
There's this guy in my building who feeds the squirrels. At least three times a week, I see him out spreading peanuts on the lawn. Our lawn is always littered with shells. But hey, someone's got to feed the squirrels, right?
Anyway, when the weather is not ridiculous cold, I like to get up early and read on my porch before heading off to work. Can you possibly begin to understand how hard it is to read when these adorable, freaky little creatures are chilling out in my every peripheral? And they don't only sit in their tree. They venture out and climb up on the roof in front of me. Sometimes, this one, big, fat squirrel just sits there and stares at me. I stare back. He stares back. I stare back. It never ends. I feel like he's summing me up, trying to figure out if I'm a threat. Or maybe he's plotting to conquer me? Maybe he's the leader of the squirrel army and my days are numbered? Only Fatty McSquirrel knows the truth inside his tiny head. His beady little eyes reveal nothing. He is cold. He is calculating. And then... everything changes and I feel like he is trying to smile. Like he's my friend. Like he means me no harm. Like he is a messenger of Mother Nature telling me that we co-exist in a friendly world. Everything is OK again. And he leaves. Back to the tree in front of me to report to his soldiers how they will advance on me.
It's maddening.
I try to get back to my book but I'm forever stuck in Squirrel World. Because after all, it IS their world... and we're all just nuts living in it.
In honor of Squirrel Appreciation Day, we have chosen the three best student Odes. Most of them feel the same way I do. That these weird animals are both wonderful and creepy. Enjoy.
