It was a dark and stormy night ...

Clichéd? Yes. Hackneyed? You betcha! Bad writing? Well now, that's the point!

That famous line is the inspiration for an annual contest that salutes bad writing. The contestants must come up with a really bad first line to a non-existent novel. This year's winner combined awkward syntax and bathroom humor, among other things.

This is the winning entry: "Gerald began -- but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them 'permanently' meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash -- to pee," Gleeson wrote.

What a novel idea! (Get it? Oh, and on that same note, contestants can get awards in several categories, one of which is "vile puns." I could totally win that!)

No, seriously, I think this is a really cool contest. There are so many bad writers out there, but to do it purposely, that takes some finesse! And it's definitely harder than it looks.

Here's my attempt:

"Mike looked into Sally's bright blue glowing orbs, her eyes, the windows to her soul (streak-free, no less!), which were as deep and mysterious as the ocean and brought back memories of when he was a lifeguard that summer five years ago and that little girl--why hadn't she listened to him?--had gone out too far and was carried away by a massive riptide; suddenly, Mike no longer wanted to swim in Sally's waters."

Go on, give it a try!

J.K. Rowling once had an idea about a boy who grew up not knowing who he really was. Strange things would happen around Harry from time to time and he wouldn't understand them. One time, while visiting the zoo with his wicked aunt, uncle, and cousin, he even talked to a snake... and the snake talked back.

Fast forward 7 years...

Death Eaters run Hogwarts. Severus Snape (murderer of Albus Dumbledore) is the school's headmaster. The evil Lord Voldemort seems to be in control of everything and everyone. There is no escape.

Harry, Hermione, and Ron are in hiding. There is nothing they can do about the malicious and torturous punishments students are receiving at their beloved school. In this, their 7th year, they have dropped out of Hogwarts so that they can follow Dumbledore's orders and destroy the remaining Horcruxes that contain the shattered pieces of Voldemort's soul.

Sounds difficult, right? Oh man... you don't know the half of it.

Deathly Hallows is a novel that does not ignore its title. This is not your carefree Sorcerer's Stone. In fact, it doesn't even come close. The body count in Deathly Hallows is extraordinary. Just when you think you're through mourning one character, something, from seemingly out of nowhere, destroys another and you are again left with the awful realization that absolutely no one is safe.

Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione are losing faith. Harry doesn't have a plan and they seem to be wandering clueless into danger wherever they go. There are Death Eaters around every corner. Voldemort's bone chilling reach is everywhere. Is it any wonder that the strain and the incredible weight of their unknowable mission is causing the trio's once unbreakable friendship to weaken? Each turn of every page seems to be heavier and heavier as you fall head-first and weepy into this non-stop, unrelenting fantasy of heroes, villains, and death.

But wait... look at Harry. He is a man now. In fact, he is more than a man. He is an accomplished wizard who has defeated Voldemort more times than he will even admit to himself. Harry sees people for who they are and he respects the good in everyone. Harry stands up for friends, he fights for love, and he is constantly learning and striving to be better.

It took me a long time to accept the Harry Potter craze. I've commented on this before. However now, having read the entire series, I can honestly say that before coming on board, I was, as Ron would say, a "git." These books are magic. They embody all the facets of what makes a story a classic: good, evil, love, hate, quests, journeys, soul-searching, you name it--it's all there.

And the writing ... Rowling has outdone herself in this final book. The writing in Deathly Hallows is so good that I actually had to re-read sentences, paragraphs, and yes, even entire chapters just so I could re-live the joy and suffering of her words as they brushed one another gracefully, carefully, and ever-so-passionately. Harry Potter's final adventure is a sheer masterpiece. It will make any reluctant reader an enthused one and it will remind every enthused reader why they first fell in love with literature in the first place.

True dat.

Oh, and one final note, today is J.K. Rowling's birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY J.K.!!

She has said time and time again that she will never return to the Harry Potter series. I believe her. The way it is now, these seven books that form one, complete epic saga could not and should not be tampered with. It's perfect the way it is. However, I do eagerly anticipate J.K.'s next book. Whatever it will be, it will inevitably be unfairly judged against Harry Potter. I only hope I will be able to separate the two.

Now that we no longer have Harry to look forward to, whatever will we do? Read on, my dear Muggle friends.

Read on.

We've been waiting for 18 years, and The Simpsons movie is here! And nothing embiggins the summer--nay, a lifetime--with joy like finally seeing the beloved Springfieldians on the silver screen. Is it going to be a satirical masterpiece filled with hilarious quotes like the episodes of old, or will it be silly and nonsensical like the episodes of today? Will it leave viewers saying "Meh," or will it be the best ... movie ... ever?

OK, I know you're thinking that this is a blog about reading and writing, so why am I writing about the Simpsons? Well, not only is The Simpsons a pop-culture phenomenon, but the show has parodied many great novels. It's also featured the voice talents of some awesome authors, such as Stephen King, Helen Fielding, J.K. Rowling, Tom Wolfe, and Gore Vidal.

And as a special treat ... mmmmm, treat ... for all of you Simpsons fans out there, here is an interview with director David Silverman.

Word: For years, there have been rumors of a Simpsons movie. Why now?

Silverman: It's actually been in the works for some time, but we didn't have the man power. Some screenplays just take a long time.

Word: What does a director for an animated feature do?

Silverman: A director for animation does the same as the director for a live action movie. You talk to the animators, which isn't too different from how you talk to the actors. You are also in charge of blocking, which is figuring out where a character goes in the shot. Part of my job is saying where we're going. You have to make a decision at every step of the way. As a director, you have to choose the direction of the film. I’ve also been sitting with the writers and working with rewriting. At that time, I come up with other ideas.

Word: Do the voice actors record together? Which is done first, the voice recordings or the animation?

Silverman: Sometimes we have as many as four actors in at once. But the voice recordings are first. You don't want to hamstring the actors, and the animation restricts them. The animation is inspired by the actors. The way the performers act affects the staging.

Word: Did you go to school to learn to be an animator and director?

Silverman: I went to the University of Maryland and then to UCLA to study it, and I got into all the aspects of animation.

Word: Did you do any of the animating for this movie?

Silverman: I didn't have the time. I'd be a little rusty animating for the movie.

Word: Why was this movie made as a cartoon instead of live action or CGI?

Silverman: We didn't make it live action because we actually wanted people to see it. Doing a CG movie would change the Simpsons universe. They would become different characters. The Simpsons are hand drawn. Almost every other cartoon you see today is made on a computer. We send some of the scenes to be animated overseas in Korea, but for the movie a lot more was animated here. The bulk of it is here.

Word: How do you know if a joke for the movie is still funny after hearing it over and over?

Silverman: You just know it's funny. Sometimes I hear jokes in old episodes that I wrote years ago and they are still funny.

Word: Do you worry about the movie living up to the fans' expectations?

Silverman: We want to make sure all the jokes work. We want to live up to everyone's expectations--and our own. We know fan expectations are high, and so are ours.

Word: If people could only see one movie this summer, why should they see The Simpsons?

Silverman: I hope they can see more than one movie! Well, tell them it'll be a very funny, enjoyable, visual ride.

Word: Can you tell us anything about the plot of the movie? Any secrets you want to spill?

Silverman: As the movie gets closer, I'm sure we'll let some cats out of the bag. But right now, that bag is sealed.

We all love reading here. (Well, I'm going to assume we all do. After all, what would you be doing reading a reading and writing blog if you didn't? However, you know what they say about assuming ...) That love of reading often goes hand in hand with buying a lot of books, which consequently get left all over the house. I, for example, recently added to my chick lit collection with two more books, Something Borrowed and Something Blue, both by Emily Giffin. Don't judge me!

Anyway, sometimes buying books gets out of hand. Suddenly, you have more books than you know what to do with. (OK, so you know what to do with them. You read them. I meant you don't know where to store them. Sheesh!) This happened to John Puchniak from Pennsylvania. Puchniak is a bookstore owner who took his love of books to the extreme, and amassed 3,000 of them. And then his house was condemned.

Apparently, having 3,000 books sitting around your house is a fire hazard. Who would've thunk it?

Well, Puchniak is now living in a hotel and is trying to get the city to let him move back into his home.

Now, I love books as much as the next person, but there is a limit. I'm sure Puchniak hasn't even looked at some of his books in years, so how about donating some of them?

I mean really, who has that many books anyway? ...

Besides a library, of course.

A disgruntled writer and Jane Austen-aficionado recently conducted an experiment to see if the classic writer could get published here in 2007. According to the UK's Guardian Newspaper, David Lassman, the director of the Jane Austen Festival in Bath, sent slightly modified versions of the first two chapters of Austen's Pride and Prejudice, Persuasion, and Northanger Abbey to major book publishers. Lassman changed the titles of the books and names of main characters, but left the plot details the same. Then the rejections piled up and seemingly, only one publisher out of 18 spotted the ruse.

Lassman told the Guardian, "I was staggered. Here is one of the greatest writers that has lived, with her oeuvre securely fixed in the English canon and yet only one recipient recognised them as Austen's work."

After reading this article, I started thinking about the nature of publishing. Interestingly, the people reading manuscripts for these publishers did not recognize Austen's nor did they think they could publish it. I've always leaned toward reading modern fiction rather than classics (with notable exceptions). Language and art evolves with time and people. So I do understand why dear Jane may have slipped under the radar. Those people were busy looking for the next bestseller, which most likely will be a lot different than Austen. And yet, I think to a well-worn copy of Northanger Abbey that I purchased in a Cambridge bookstore, which currently gathers dust on a shelf at home. Austen did pave the way for the new masters I so enjoy. Ah, it's probably time to give dear Jane another try.

What do you think?