Legend had it that every year, a figure, cloaked in black with a wide-brimmed hat, sneaked into the graveyard and placed three roses and a bottle of cognac on Edgar Allan Poe's grave. And every year, crowds have gathered at the grave, hoping to catch a glimpse of the mystery man or woman who was honoring the master of the macabre.

But the truth has been revealed. What is that, you ask? It's--the beating of his hideous heart! Ha. No, no. the truth is that it was all a hoax. Turns out, Sam Porpora, a former ad executive, wanted to drum up some publicity for the cemetery. (Wait, you mean tourists aren't usually clamoring to spend their vacations in a dreary cemetery? Shocker!) So old Sam and his tour guides came up with the Poe toaster.

What a disappointment!

It was such a romantic notion. So chilling. So Gothic. So totally Poe.

Well, to express my outrage at the Poe toaster being a complete lie, I thought I'd write a stanza ala Poe's "The Raven."

Once there was a story that was not really gory,
About a man who paid tribute to a famous guy.
Turns out he was faking, leaving us really aching.
He claimed someone came in the dead of night.
But it was just to get the cemetery in the spotlight.
This whole thing was just a lie.

 OK. So I'm no Poe. Here's a better re-imagining of "The Raven," courtesy of The Simpsons. Enjoy!

Stephen King, author of over 58,000 novels about things that go bump in the night, recently went to a bookstore in Australia and vandalized copies of his own books!

What happened was, he went over to the "King section" (a room in the back that is twice the size of the moon) and started etching his signature in blood across the inside front covers.

When employees of the bookstore realized what was happening, they approached King hesitantly (it is common knowledge, you see, that Stephen King is a Werewolf-Vampire-Chupacabra that feeds on the flesh and souls of the innocent.)

"Excuse me," said the first scared-to-near-death employee, "may I ask you what you are doing defacing our property, Mr. King?" Instead of answering her with words, the popular novelist's eyes turned to fire and his hair transformed into a nest of venomous snakes. The employee ran for her life. Unfortunately, King was too quick for her. He sprouted wings and overtook the poor woman in the How-To section of the bookstore. Witnesses at the scene stood in shock as he temporarily satisfied his demon appetite.

As for the books that Mr. King defaced with his bloody John Hancock, they are now listed on eBay.

Caveat Emptor: The books are cursed. Well duh!

At least that's how I heard it anyway. Some other guy tells a different story of what happened here.

Read Stephen King's review of Harry Potter here.

Read an exclusive interview with Stephen King here.

Are you one of the lucky ones who bought an iPhone? (If you are, I'm so totally jealous. Can I borrow it sometime? Or maybe just hold it?) Well, the iPhone is soon going to have a new feature.

The publishing company HarperCollins is setting up a link that will allow iPhone users to read excerpts from some of their upcoming books.

So you can talk on the phone, text, listen to music, browse the Internet, and read--all on the same gadget.

Would you want to read on your iPhone? Personally, I think I would. I love reading, especially when I travel or when I'm eating alone. But sometimes it's just a pain to lug a big fat heavy novel around. Reading on the iPhone (even if it is just an excerpt of a novel) would be much more convenient. Hopefully other publishing companies will follow suit, and we'll have a larger choice of what to read--that is, if you can get your hands on an iPhone.

Then again, I don't know if I would want to pay $500 plus just to read part of a book. I can read a whole book for free at the library! I guess going to the library just doesn't have the same coolness factor as holding an iPhone.

Well, since I don't have an iPhone, I guess I'll just keep reading books the normal way. But do you think putting book excerpts on the iPhone is a good idea? Do you think you could get me an iPhone?

I really want an iPhone.

What do you like about emo? The emotional lyrics? The catchy riffs? The eyeliner? (Definitely the eyeliner!) Well, what about the comic books?

That's right, comic books. In September, Gerard Way, lead singer of My Chemical Romance, will be publishing his own comic books called The Umbrella Academy. The basic storyline, from what I can gather, is about a superhero troupe called the Umbrella Academy, who had a sort of falling out. But now their adoptive father has died, and they must band together to save the world.

Even the characters have cool rock star-ish qualities. There's The Horror, who can possess monsters. There's The Rumor, who can make lies come true (so could my younger brother, now that I think about it). And don't forget Spaceboy, the leader, who, for some reason, has the body of a Martian gorilla. (Also like my younger brother! Joking.) Hey, I just report the news. I don't make this stuff up!

I don't know about the concept, but still, I'm intrigued. Comic books are huge now, and they are a great way to get reluctant readers to take the plunge and start enjoying reading. And anything that gets people to read is good in my book. (Get it? Read? Book? OK, even I'm groaning at that one.) Plus My Chemical Romance is huge now as well. So add the hugeness of comic books with the hugeness of the band and you get ... something very, very big.

So, are you excited about the adventures of Spaceboy and friends? Do you think rock stars can write comic books (after all, they do write lyrics)? I guess we're going to have to wait until September to find out!

Last week, I saw The Simpsons movie. I've been meaning to tell you about it... actually, I've been meaning to do a lot of things... but that's neither here nor there... nor there... nor even there.

CAN WE GET ON WITH IT, PLEASE?

The Back Story
I've been watching The Simpsons since Day One. Actually, it was since even before Day One because I was actually one of the many who was lucky enough to catch them when they were nothing but rudimentary sketches on The Tracy Ullman Show.That was way back in the day. Back when Homer at least tried to give some kind of fatherly advice:

"Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!"

So to say that I'm a fan of this animated family is, at the very least, an understatement.

The Creators
(Read an exclusive interview with Director David Silverman)
The people behind The Simpsons took a big risk making this movie. Many of their diehard fans are about as serious as Comic Book Guy. Impressing them after 18 seasons is not an easy task. However, the 90 or so minutes of yellow-skinned shenanigans (though they are not the funniest 90 or so minutes ever recorded on film it was still hilarious) are impressive.

The Laughter & The Heart
I laughed. A lot. The audience was filled with a crowd of all ages. People were enjoying it, sure. But at times, I think I laughed a little too loudly at jokes that, apparently, only I found amusing. It was a good, solid movie. And it wasn't only funny, it was touching. Believe it or not, the Simpsons can actually pull on a heartstring or two when they really want to. Being that that is not their ultimate goal, however, it makes the gooseflesh even more sensitive when it breaks.

The Plot
After Homer adopts a pig (yes, Spiderpig), he dumps all of said pig's... um... waste in the Springfield River. This causes the EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) to come down hard on the town. Springfield's level of pollutants is so great that the EPA decides to encase the entire town in a giant, unbreakable, glass dome. Makes perfect sense right? Well, that's the government for you. Zing! Where was I? Oh yes. Spoiling the movie for you... ok well that's the premise and I'll stop right there because I don't want to give anything else away. Except this: Homer ruins everything. And Homer inevitably has to try to fix what he has ruined. Basically, it's everything you love about classic Homer mixed with a more complex, introspective (yet still careless and carefree) Homer. It's good stuff.

Bart & Homer
They've never really had what you would call "a healthy father/son relationship." But in this movie... well, they still don't. But they do have their moments. There is a well-hidden love there that does exist between them. Neither of them would ever admit it of course, but it's there. You can find it in Bart's full-faced laughter when his father hits himself in the head with a hammer for the umpteenth time. Or when Homer calls his son "the boy", he sometimes gets a distant look in his eye. Could it be pride? After all, Bart is nothing if not the spitting image of his dad.

The Town
Yes, every single character in Springfield is in this movie. But if you're looking for side-stories, look to FOX Sunday nights at 8:00pm. This feature film is all about Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, Spiderpig... and sometimes Grandpa. I'm glad the creators didn't stray from the family's storyline too often. It made for a much fuller movie-going experience.

The Vulgarity
The movie is rated PG-13 and there are a few instances where I was thrown for a loop. I won't go into them here, but if you saw the film, you know what I'm talking about. I'm not quite sure how I felt about those, shall we say, deviations from what you would expect from the Simpsons. Not that they were ever a wholesome family. Heh. Not at all. But there were certain times in the movie where I think the writers might have gone over the top a little. Still funny though. :)

All in all, it was an entertaining ride. The Simpsons never fail to tickle my smile. Here's to another 18 years... and as the least likely character said during the credits, possibly a "sequel".

The Oopsie Daisy
Oh wait, this is supposed to be a literary blog, huh? Ehhhhhhhh.... um.... ok, go read a book.